The Mind of Evil Incorporated
by DrummondType2
Summary: Doofenshmirtz wants to rid the Tri-State area of phone booths. But why? What incident from his tragic backstory could possibly have him desiring an end to all the phone booths? And just what does it have to do with the strange men he's met in his past?


The Mind of Evil Incorporated

a Phineas and Ferb/ Doctor Who crossover

by

Bryan Weber

All characters are the property of their respective copyright holders.

"Ah, Perry the Platypus, I see you fell into my diabolical phone cord trap. I'm sort of working on a phone theme today, so bear with me."

Perry chittered angrily.

"Now, behold my Phone Booth Disintegratinator. It will seek out and disintegrate...inate...all of the phone booths in the Tri-State area. Why would I want to disintergrate all of the phone booths, you ask? Well, it all goes back to a part of a strange backstory.

"Many years ago, when I was just a fledgeling evil attending Evil School, I studying the KT boundary, wondering if I might create a device evil enough to do something like wipe out all of the dinosaurs, when I came across a small, silver object. It was like a steel roly poly, but with real teeth. And just as I was about to reach out and study it, a man came running out of a blue phone booth and he tapped me on the head, so rude, and yelled, 'No!' at me. Can you imagine. Who just runs up and taps someone on the head and tells them not to do something?

"And he took the metal object, and he went back into the phone booth and he locked the door. All high and mighty in his polo jacket. And who did he think he was, sporting that stalk of celery? Like just anyone could pull off that look?

"Now, this alone isn't reason enough to make me want to get rid of all the phone booths in the Tri-State area, but my story doesn't end there.

"Several years later, I was combing a beach when I found a crater with what looked like a giant copper pepper shaker with a plunger in it. Just laying there on the beach. And I thought, well, maybe I could take it home and polish it up and have a nice decoration in my first apartment. Except that again, a man comes out of a blue phone booth, and he practically whallops me in the head, and again, he says 'No!' to me! The indignity. He didn't look cool at all, in that leather coat and with his shaved head and ginormous nose. And those ears? Was he planning on flying with those things?

"And on and on it goes. Time after time, I would be looking at some trinket or another, and some random man would come running out of a phone booth and hit me and tell me 'No!' It was different guys every time, too. Like one was dressed like a college professor, with a tweed jacket and bow tie, but the face of a toddler. And then there was a short, surly little man in a sweater vest, and that rude girl who called him Professor. You know, she blew me up, too! It was my first time being blown up. How did she even learn to make Nitro 9 at her age?

"One time it was a rude man in one of Liberace's coats. Then there was this hobo with a recorder. He actually hit me WITH the recorder, you know! And then, I had to deal with some guy who was going for a steampunk look, with all that curly hair and talking about seeing the future. Though he still had enough time to yell 'No!' at me!

"Once, it was a very tall man dressed in very snazzy clothes. I would love to know where he got that scarf. I mean, I think I could pull that look off, Perry. I've got a picture of him, right here. I found it in a history book, oddly enough. Apparently, he knew Sir Walter Raleigh. At least after he hit me on the head and took away the mummy I was examining, he was nice enough to offer me some candy."

"I thought the one in the blue suit with the long coat was kinda hot," Vanessa opined.

"Hot? Babygirl, he was the rudest of the bunch! He told me I was a poor excuse for a mad scientist and that my energies would be better spent trying to invent a cure for persecution complex, and then taking it. And he took the Pazzazzium Infiniinite, just when I finally got my hands on some!

"Honestly, the only time I thought I might get along with one of the men from the phone booth was a cranky old man and his granddaughter. And even he said I was an idiot.

"But once I get rid of all the phone booths in the Tri-State area, there won't be one for anyone to pop out of and rob me of scientific discoveries!"

"Dad, I hate to be the one to point this out, but first, the one I saw said Police Box on it. Which is weird, 'cause Danville doesn't have Police Boxes. They're from England. Like that one kid I keep telling you about. And second, isn't that one over there?"

Vanessa was pointing to a corner of the lab, where there was indeed a big, blue box that had a sign saying Police Box on it. It was making a strange metallic thrumming noise, and then there was a thud, and the door opened. A man with menacing eyebrows popped out, as well as two children, one with a triangular head and a striped shirt, the other with green hair and purple pants.

"The quantum infindibulator ought to be running smooth as silk, now, Doctor," the orange-haired boy said cheerfully.

"It's always a pleasure to work with you, Phineas and Ferb. I'm happy to say that not everyone on this planet has a pudding brain. Now, if you'll..." the older man spotted Doofenshmirtz, "Phineas, do me a favor and go back in the TARDIS and hit the fast return switch. Then send her back to me. There's a good lad."

Phineas and Ferb did as instructed, and the blue box vanished from sight, only to reappear a moment later.

"Ach, not you again!" the old man groaned.

"Again? I've never met you before," Doofenshmirtz crossed his arms.

"The blazes you haven't! I had to take that cybermat from you. And the busted Dalek transport shell. And the Sontaran disrupter. And the Silurian death ray! Why will you not stop picking up dangerous pieces of alien rubbish!? Is it too much to ask that you leave things where you find them? One of these days you're going to pick up an infinite improbability generator, or a slipstream coil, or you'll throw out your back trying to lift zero balanced dwarf star alloy! And you'll be in a right sorry state, when you do!"

"Who died and made you boss?"

"ME! Several times over!"

"And just who are you, anyway?" Doofenshmirtz demanded.

"I'm the Doctor! I'm over 2000 years old. I've had to save your sorry keister in every last one of my regenerations. And hello, miss, what's your name?"

"Oi, Doctor," a petite brunette poked her head out of the phonebox, "She looks young enough to be your daughter. Or more, precisely, his."

"I'm just seeing if she's up for a bit of travel, is all. It's not like I'm asking her on a date!"

"Nevermind him. He gets cranky when people point out how poorly mannered he is. I'm Clara Oswald."

"Vanessa Doofenshmirtz. That's my dad, Heinz. Did he say over 2000 years old?"

"Give or take." Clara shrugged, "Honestly, I think he lost count and just started at what felt right. I wouldn't be surprised if it was twice that."

"And people say I'm rude!" The Doctor protested, then blinked, "Wait, did you say Heinz Doofenshmirtz?"

"Yes. Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz. What's it to you, buddy?"

The Doctor grabbed Heinz's hand and began pumping it vigorously, "Oi, I've wanted to meet you for a very long time. Well, I guess I have met you. But I didn't know it was...Oi, Clara, this is Heinz Doofenshmirtz. He's the one who goes on to invent..."

"Uh, Doctor! I don't think he's done it yet! You might not want to let the cat out of the bag!"

The Doctor looked at his watch, "Oh, you're right! I'm a year too early. But what a year it's going to be! Whoo. You, sir, are bound for greater things! It's...You'll...It's a privilege to have met you, sir."

"Really? Does that mean I can have back all the stuff you kept me from getting over the years?"

The Doctor looked at him, then pulled a spoon out of his coat and tapped Doofenshmirtz on the head, "NO! Are you daft!"

And he returned to the TARDIS and it vanished from sight with a wheezing, groaning metallic noise.

"I wonder what that was all about," Heinz looked both angry and confused.

"I guess we'll find out in a year," Vanessa shrugged.

"I suppose I'd better get back to destroying Perry the...Hey, where's Perry the Platypus?"

"Oh, he escaped and dismantled your inator while you were talking to the Doc."

"And you didn't stop him?"

"I was preoccupied."

Doofenshmirtz sighed, "Curse you, Perry the Platypus. And curse you Doctor...Who did he say again?"


End file.
